A Long Day
by M. Hikaru
Summary: The famous Harry Potter meets the equally infamous Mary Sue and finds he must save Hogwarts from the greatest threat of all: OOC.


Warnings: Stupid humor. Mary Sues. Bad plot. OOC. And everything included in BAD FICS. 

---------------------------------- 

It had been a long day. 

If there was one thing that Harry despised beyond all things, it was when people didn't believe what he said. 

For years, his words --and constant admissions of innocence-- had been ignored by the Dursleys. Even at his beloved Hogwarts, everyone was _convinced_ that he was the Heir of Slytherin, _convinced _that he had put his name in the Goblet of Fire. 

But this --this!-- absolutely took the cake! 

He, Harry Potter, in all seventeen years of his life, was _NOT_ gay! 

And absolutely _NO ONE _would believe him! 

It was the most ridiculous thing since Fred got his head stuck in the drainage while dismantling the toilet seat! 

Just because he didn't date as much as most boys his age... 

...alright, _fine_, so he'd never been _on_ a date, but he still thought Cho Chang was pretty, even after they grew apart because of Cedric. 

The next girl he knew was Hermione, and she was, well, one of his best friends... who was currently dating the other. And Harry knew that despite their vow of everlasting friendship, Ron was going to _slaughter_ him for hitting on his girlfriend. 

But the main reason Harry wasn't interacting with the other gender was because of _them_. 

They always flocked in large amounts around his life, and if anything, traumatized his view of females entirely. 

They had a variety of names: some names were designed to look "cool" but was unpronounceable (unless it was by merpeople); others had names in a different language ("sakura" was quite popular); and others got names that were a sloppy variation of some existing persons' name (Chou Chann comes to mind), but all of them had one name that they _all_ answered to: 

Mary Sue. 

It just so happens that as Harry had been pondering the horror of the fandom world, Dumbledore called a "surprise assembly" in the Great Hall. As Harry entered amongst hundreds of chattering students, he saw the reason why the _entire school_ had been spontaneously gathered with no forewarning whatsoever... and felt his heart sink to the vicinity of his toes. 

There, standing shyly next to the teacher's table was one of _them_: 

A genuine Mary Sue. 

Her cliché entrance this time was that of a transfer student --never mind the fact that sortings only occurred at the _BEGINNING of every year!_

"This is [insert name here], she has been placed in Griffindor --please make her feel welcome." Dumbledore stated solemnly, and Harry watched in mute horror as the headmaster's personality disappeared behind those spectacles. 

The Griffindor table burst into applause. Smiling and blushing faintly, Mary Sue walked --like a graceful ballerina-- closer and closer to Harry. As she passed the other three house tables, they stood in applause as well. 

Single-handedly, the girl had eliminated the Competitive House Rivalry within _minutes _of her arrival. 

...if the Slytherins started singing "I love you... you love me..." Harry was going to HEX something, preferably the atrocity sitting down and blushing prettily next to him. 

As it was, the boy took a deep breath as Dumbledore --monotonously!-- announced the beginning of a feast in _her_ honor... 

---------------------------------- 

About 300 angst-ridden stories of her childhood later, Mary Sue was crying daintily in the arms of Ron --nevermind the fact that he and Hermione had been going steady for _TWO YEARS!_ Mary Sue had also won the sympathy of Hermione and Ginny (both of which were currently cooing at her like doves), and the uttermost (almost slavic) adoration of Neville. 

Everywhere Harry looked, he could see traces of de-personification already evident: most of the boys were drooling masses, most of the girls flocked up to be her friend, and everyone on the Teacher's Table were starting to resemble zombies (for _once_, Harry was glad that Snape was back in his dungeons, preparing a nasty pop quiz for them!). Even Draco Malfoy was throwing cow-eyes at her! 

"Hullo!" 

Harry winced as the girl turned to him and badly impersonated a British accent. 

"I'm [insert name here] --you must be Harry Potter!" 

"Yeah, that's me." Harry finally managed. 

"Did you know Harry," the girl now leaned toward him and Harry tried to discreetly lean away, "That I was locked into a cupboard until I was eleven too? My parents were muggles, and they were scared of the wonderful magic in me, and they heartlessly locked me in there without food and drink! I might have perished!" Here, she burst into tears. 

Harry found himself wishing she had _indeed_ perished. 

"But Dumbledore himself same to save me and brought me here where I'll use the wonderful magic that my heartless parents tried to starve out of me!" 

Biting his tongue not to scathingly point out the _8 year plot hole_, Harry silently breathed out a sigh of relief. Mary Sue had no apparent romantic interest in him --he had lucked out on the last two of them since he had recently been underage, and neither of the Mary Sues had been unique enough to like shota. 

The current Mary Sue was still blathering on and on about her "horrible parents" while the rest of the table made sympathetic noises. Harry wanted to throw up... but refrained from it seeing how Mary Sue would probably want to accompany him to Madam Pomfrey's, and fall in love with him on the way. 

So, opting for the safest course of action, Harry imitated Ron and plastered a huge stupid grin on his face. "Is that so? Well, um, Potions is next --can't miss _that_ class, can we?" Harry grabbed his books to leave. 

"But Harry," Mary Sue grabbed his arm, "I'm in _all_ of your classes! Dumbledore specifically wanted you to show me around --and I want to go to fun Potions class with you!" 

Clenching his teeth, Harry forced himself to grin back. "Really? Let's get going then --off to _fun_ Potions!" Harry found himself desperately looking at Ron for a way out. 

"Yeah... great fun, Potions..." came the glazed and disappointed reply. 

"Oh yes, Professor Snape makes potions so fun!" Hermione chirped in. 

Harry fought the urge to run into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and never come back out. His best friends had been OOCed. Harry needed to do something --fast! 

Walking out of the Great Hall and down the corridors (Mary Sue gracefully following) Harry had his _first _and_ only_ happy revelation upon walking into the Potions dungeon --Professor Snape was not affected as the rest of the teachers were. 

Mentally, Harry cheered! 

Snape could certainly reprobate _her_ into leaving the school for good --if not the _nation_! 

With a cheerful disposition, Harry sat down to his pop-quiz. Luckily, he was paired with Neville. (Harry gave Draco's personality a good-bye salute as he saw Mary Sue sit daintily next to him.) While Neville accidentally made the most dangerous substances out of the most innocuous materials, Mary Sue was the much more dangerous of the two. 

Harry's spirits weren't even dampened when Snape subtracted 20 points from him for "grinning like an idiot". 

The most common non-existent fault that a Mary Sue possessed was being slightly klutzy... and Snape's scathing insults _thrived_ on bumbling, klutzy students. Indeed (to Harry's glee), Snape did berate her, take her house points, and give her detention. 

By the end of Potions, Mary Sue was crying her pretty eyes out while Malfoy tried to comfort her. 

Harry wanted to kiss Snape. 

--but --damnitt!-- that didn't make him gay! 

Mary Sue was led out of Potions with a truckload of bodyguards, both Griffindor and Slytherin. A fight broke out in the fork of a corridor --each House wanted Mary Sue to rest at their common room!Harry --slightly late on purpose-- caught up just in time to see the truce between the two greatest warring factions of Hogwarts. Under the pleadings of Mary Sue, Ron and Draco waltzed hand in hand as a seal to the peace treaty. 

Harry briefly wondered if he'd inhaled too much fumes in Potions. 

The rest of the classes went downhill from there. 

All the professors thought of Mary Sue as their prized pupil upon first sight --even Trelawny predicted she would "live a long and bountiful life". By the end of the day, Harry was thoroughly disgusted and couldn't shut his friends up from blathering on and on about how wonderful _she_ was. 

So, for the first in a long time, Harry indulged in a solo mission. 

He wanted --no needed-- to see the girl utterly humiliated by Snape at detention. Maybe he'd make her scrub the moat with a toothbrush! 

Invisibility cloak stowed securely under his robes, Harry walked toward the Headmaster's office. Halfway there, he was met with a withered man dressed in somber gray. Harry was outraged. Barely a day, and the great Albus Dumbledore was reduced to a living statue simply because Mary Sue wasn't witty enough to animate him! This lack of personality, Harry was sorry to say, only made his mission far easier. 

"Professor Dumbledore, sir, I was wondering the password to Professor Snape's chambers." 

"Why... is... that?" the man's voice was emotionless. Harry shivered. 

"Umm... I heard that our new transfer student would be there and I.. ah... needed to return... a book she dropped!" 

"Very.... well." Harry boggled once more at the change in the Headmaster, "Just this evening... Severus came by to inform me.... he changed it to "[insert name here]"." 

Harry's eyes widened with disbelief. A soft "no way..." slipped from his lips and then he was racing down the stairs toward the dungeons. Pulling the invisibility cloak over him , Harry said the password, and opened the door just as he heard a soft, happy, _feminine_ gasp. 

Running in, Harry discovered he was too late. 

In the middle of the sitting room, the most diabolical Potions Professor in all of Hogwarts History was kissing _her _and murmuring trite lines of lines of undying love. 

All his wit, all his sarcasm, all his snarkiness --out the window! Poof! 

It was degrading at best and humiliating at worst, and even Snape didn't deserve _this!_

It was time to take matters into his own hands. Removing his wand, Harry pointed it at Snape under his cloak, and whispered "Petrificus Totalis." 

Instantly, Snape stiffened like a board and fell over. Mary Sue shrieked, and being naturally a ditzy klutz and a newbie to the fandom (i.e. has yet to hear of the HP Lexicon yet), was completely inept at magic. She ran out of the room shrilling for help. 

Harry didn't have much time and immediately set to work. 

Throwing off the invisibility cloak, Harry cast a levitation charm on Snape's prone body, floated him over to the bed, and after a moment's hesitation, removed the man's outer robes. 

Jumping onto the bed as well, Harry mussed his hair, bit his lips, ripped at his collar, and did his best to look utterly debauched. 

"I'm terribly sorry Professor --you'll thank me for this once you're sane again, I promise!" 

And with that, Harry removed the body bind and cast the Imperious. 

When Mary Sue ran back into the room, McGonagall at her heels, she was met with the image of Harry and Snape, in bed and apparently trying to snog the life out of each other. 

"P-Professor Snape. How c-could you?!" Mary Sue's lower lip trembled. McGonagall stood where she'd been left, still as a statue without Mary Sue's animating force. 

"Quite easily Ms. [insert name here]." Snape's voice purred in Harry's ear as Harry frantically whispered Snape-ish insults he wanted repeated into Snape's neck. "You see, you are nothing more than a self-centered, egotistical brat who thinks the world revolves around you." 

"No..." she stepped forward in disbelief. 

"You are annoying, incompetent, and quite unfit to grace the heels of my dirtiest boots." 

"W-why?!" she protested, staggering forward. 

'Just a few more steps,' Harry mentally cheered her on. 

"--stupid, miserable, bane of my existence!" 

"B-but Sevii-poo!" Mary Sue stepped the last few steps toward the bed, and consequently, the fireplace. 

Springing out of the bed, Harry pushed her into the fireplace, threw a fistful of floo powder in her face and screamed "VOLDEMORT!" as the green flames consumed her. 

Yet another present for Voldie... Harry almost pitied the man. 

Tiredly walking back toward Snape, Harry removed the Imperious and watched as both him and McGonagall were coming around to their normal selves. 

Snape was faster, "Potter, what are you doing in my bedroom --get out." 

"What...? Severus? Harry?!" It was obvious that McGonagall had awoke from her stupor and caught sight of his torn clothing, the rumbled sheets, and Snape's condition of semi-undress. 

Damnitt --if this got out, no one would believe he wasn't gay! 

"Umm... it's not what it seems Professor McGonagall! There was another Mary Sue attack!" 

Instant understanding dawned on both adults' faces. 

"I see... well, I'd better go and salvage what's left of the Headmaster then." McGonagall gave a soft sigh and walked out the room, closing the door behind her. 

"Uh, me too. I, ah, better get going then..." Harry started toward the door. 

"Missing something, Potter?" 

With some trepidation, Harry looked back to find Snape holding his wand-- he'd apparently parted with it during the fray. 

"Ah thanks--" 

Harry was suddenly grabbed by the collar and yanked toward a very angry Snape. 

"I kissed it, didn't I?" 

"Well, umm... I wasn't there to really see anything... and ah, but well... Yeah. You did." 

"Disgusting." 

"Umm... ditto." 

"Get this nauseating taste out of my mouth, Potter." 

"Yes sir." 

Okay, so Harry was gay --but damnitt!-- he liked girls too! But as long as those Mary Sues were out there, watching, waiting, Harry would remain exclusively gay for that very reason. 

---------------------------------- 

The next day... 

"Sirius! I didn't know you were coming to visit!" Harry ran up to greet his godfather. 

"Thought I'd just drop by for a bit, see how you're doing." the reply was emphasized with an affectionate pat on the shoulder. 

"I've been alri--" 

Harry's reply was interrupted by I high-pitched squeal of "HARRYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!" 

A Mary Sue that looked _exactly_ like him, except being female (nevermind the fact that identical twins were _always_ the same gender!), fell on him. 

Oh no. 

The Long-Lost-Twin cliché... 

Immediately, Mary Sue set to work as she started eyeing Sirius. Already, Harry could see Sirius' expression dissolve into one of utter adoration. 

Harry sighed. 

It was going to be a long day. 

---------------------------------- 

Review --you know you want to. 


End file.
